Author: C. Marlowe


Who is Terrorizing the Great Wrestlers of the WWE?


These are the cities, this is the venue. A lot of things can happen, some predictable, some not. When strange things happen, that's when we come in. I'm Sgt Joe Sunday and this is my partner, Officer Cannon. We were working the daywatch out of the Freaky Stuff Happening Division of the FBI, when we got a call from Vince McMahon. There's been some freaky stuff happening.

"There's been some freaky stuff happening", said Vince.
"Just the facts, Mr. McMahon. When did these events start?", I said.
"About a month ago, just after the Unforgiven pay-per-view Wrestlers have been reporting freaky stuff happening"
"What kind of stuff?"
"Whoa! Look at those puppies!".
"Mr. McMahon?"
"Hmm? Oh, first it was stuff missing or shredded. Hollywood Hulk Hogan's boa, Kurt Angle's wig,
Then there were reports of spooky shadows, strange cat-like noises, the smell of catnip. Just last week, Molly nearly got her granny panties in a twist over dead mice being left in her locker. This keeps up, my wrestlers will be too upset to wrestle. And that ain't good".
"Very good. When was the last incident?"
"Just two days ago, Goldust was putting on his makeup and…", said Vince.
"I will kill whoever did this!
"What the hell?", yelled Vince

The voice appeared to be coming from outside the building. Mr. McMahon, Officer Cannon and I proceeded towards the location of the voice, which appeared to be coming from the parking lot. When we arrived there, I observed one of the wrestlers, who Mr. McMahon indicated goes by the name of 'The Undertaker', pacing about glaring at the crowd that surrounded him and looking back towards his motorcycle.

"Move aside people. I'm an officer of the law. Officer Cannon? Will you disperse the crowd and take statements?" I said.
"Sure Joe", said Officer Gannon, moving towards the crowd.
"I'm Sgt. Joe Sunday, Mr. Undertaker. Can you tell me what happened here?"
"When I get my hands on the sonofabitch who did this….."
"Who did what?"
"My bike. Some asshole pissed on my bike and ripped the seat. No one messes with the Taker and lives"
"Step aside, sir and let me take a look".

I put on my gloves and approached the vehicle. As Taker said, there were some yellowish stains on the chrome of the bike and the seat had 4 long tears it in, as if someone clawed it. I took out some baggies and got a sample of the yellow stains. I also observed some stray hairs lodged in the one of the gashes in the seat. The samples would have to be analyzed by the lab boys at HQ, but I already had a suspect in mind. I stood up and turned around. The gentlemen known as the Undertaker was pacing like a caged animal when another wrestler, approached the Taker. I believe he was known professionally as the 'Hurricane'.

"Awww, did someone ruin your pwetty-wetty bike. It's like a blankie isn't it? Ain't so scary without your wheels are you?" said Hurrican with a sneering tone to his voice.
"You ***** **$^@#$#!"

Undertaker charged the Hurricane and they started slamming each other pretty good. Leaving them to fight it out with a crowd cheering them on, I indicated with my head to Officer Gannon that we were ready to leave. We approached Vince McMahon who was keeping one eye on the Hurrican vs Undertaker fight.

"Wish those guys would save it for the Survivor series. We might actually get viewers", said Vince eyeing the wrestling wrestlers.
"Mr. McMahon? Me and my partner are heading back to HQ. We need to get more evidence, but I believe that based on your reports and the evidence so far, we may be able to apprehend the culprit very soon."
"You'd better, this will cost me a bundle if this upsets any more wrestlers and they refuse to wrestle and that ain't good for business."

As Officer Gannon and I walked back toward our police car, we spotted a man holding up a large white poster board with the words, "View THIS Suckaa!"

Officer Gannon and I drove back to HQ. After dropping the evidence off at the lab, we returned to our office. Officer Gannon gave a brief summary of the statements given by the witnesses.

"They didn't see much, Joe. The Undertaker is very protective of his bike and it is generally know that there will be hell to pay if anyone even breathes on the bike. No one saw anybody near the bike at the time of the incident, but there were several witnesses who thought they saw some kind of animal in the vicinity of the bike", said Officer Gannon.
"What kind of animal?"
"Nothing specific. Just that it was fairly small and appeared to be black and white."
"Got something Joe?"
"Yeah. I think this is the work of one animal. I've heard of similar occurrences and had thought we'd seen the last of her."
"My first case. The one that necessitated the creation of the Freaky Stuff Happening Division. Same thing was happening to Veterinarians. Things getting shredded, urination, slashing. It escalated into outright attacks on the Veterinarians. Took 10 men including me before we brought the miscreant to justice."
"Who?" "A singularly vicious, highly intelligent feline given the innocuous name of Miss Kitty Fantastico. From what we were able to uncover, this particular kitty was in the care of a particularly inept vet. A operation was botched. Miss Kitty was adopted by two kindly Wiccans and then disappeared. We believe that she took what she learned under the Wiccans and used it for her reign of terror against veterinarians."
"No wonder this looked familiar. That was one of the first cases we learned about in FSH academy. I thought Miss Kitty was in maximum security at Furry Tails Prison?"

"She was, just got this report. There was a breakout. Miss Kitty escaped along with the murderer the Sunnydale Razorback."
"The one who ate the Principal? I thought that was a pack of wolves. You said you would be able to capture Miss Kitty soon. What do you have in mind Joe?"

I explained my plan to Officer Gannon. Miss Kitty no doubt will not pursue any more attacked on Vince McMahon's wrestlers. I knew that she would continue to target wrestlers and the only wrestlers she hadn't gone after are the ones who worked for Ric Flair. If Mr. Flair would issue a challenge on the air to Miss Kitty, I knew she would take up the challenge. I contacted Mr. Flair and explained the situation to him. After laughing his ass off he agreed to announce the challenge at the start of the television wrestling program RAW tonight.

Officer Gannon, myself and four of our best police officers were waiting backstage at the Civic Arena, watching the program on the small television in Mr. Flair's office. As planned, Ric Flair jumped into the center of the ring and issued the challenge. The regular wrestling matches started to begin and I knew it wouldn't be long. I had the officers patrolling the backstage area, keeping a close eye low to the ground. Then it happened.

I was watching the wrestling match between Big Show and Mark Henry. Suddenly, the music in the arena changed to 'Eye of the Tiger'. At the main entrance to the ring I saw a small, black and white figure emerge from the flashing lights and fireworks. It was Miss Kitty. The felonious feline fur was slicked back and she was wearing spiked black mask. She streaked over and jumped into the ring.

I quickly called Gannon and the officers on the walkie-talkie and we rushed out towards the main ring. We came almost too late. Big Show and Mark Henry were already down and out and covered with scratches. Miss Kitty was perched nonchalantly on Big Show's chest licking her paw and washing herself. The crowd in the arena fell silent, permanently scarred by the sight of one small kitten taking down two of the biggest wrestlers around. I motioned the other officers to surround the ring. There was no way Miss Kitty could escape now. As I, Officer Gannon and myself entered the ring, Miss Kitty froze. I could see her eyes narrow and her tongue lick her fangs.

"I caught you before and I can catch you again", I said as I approached the nefarious feline.

With a bloodcurdling caterwaul - Miss Kitty leaped from the chest of Big Show and landed on the face of one of my officers, knocking him down to the ground. She bounced off the ropes of the ring and took down two more officers. That gave her the escape route she needed. Jumping on the corner post of the ring, she stood up on her back two paws and stretched out her front two paws to the wrestling fans in the arena and emitted an ear-splitting meow before leaping off and disappearing into the crowd. The crowd went crazy, filling the arena with shouts and moans.

With a grim face, I walked up to Officer Gannon who was helping the other officers recover from their attacks.

"What do we do now, Joe?"
"We haven't seen the last of her. She'll show up again and we'll capture her if it is the last act I do as sargeant. "

Ric Flair joined us in the ring. He surveyed the damage to his wrestlers and saw the reaction by the crowd.

"Think she would work for Kitty Chow?"

To be continued?

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